Yesterday was a tough day, today is better

One of the things I want to document is the crazy range of emotions and hopefullness (or lack thereof) that I have felt, and will, no doubt, continue to feel through this process. Perhaps it's God's way of preparing me for the emotions of motherhood - I think that once we're pregnant, then I won't have to worry. But wait - what about miscarriage? Healthy pregnancy, great - no need to worry. But wait - what about childhood illness, accidents, disaster, adolescence, college, adulthood.... there is truly no end to the potential worries and so learing to take each day as it comes will prove to be a valuable lesson.

Yesterday started out well, but as the day wore on, I felt my hopefullness and optimism wearing thin. It was easy to be thrilled in the morning - Surfer passed his CRPC designation test! I was so proud; he worked extremely dilligently to pass that exam. I enjoy my job, so the rest of the day was uneventful yet fine; until about 2:30pm when I came across a story of a "man" who is 5 months pregnant.

The truth is that the "man" is actually a woman who is legally transgender (whatever the heck that means) who had surgery to remove her breasts but kept her other "parts" to be able to reproduce someday. The pure outrage that this freak of mind and nature, who has trashed her body with hormone treatments, surgeries, and who knows what else, is 5 months pregnant with a healthy baby girl made me want to vomit. If there is one area that I consider most mysterious about God it is this: that those who eagerly desire to love and raise godly children in a wonderful home and family are kept, for whatever reason, from conceiveing and yet druggies, teenagers, "men", etc. can conceive without even thinking about it. I know I will never know the reason for that.

After work, I felt so overwhelmed with the fact that we're not pregnant yet, we haven't even started the IVF process and we don't even know if that will work. I started to think about how long it would take to adopt if we had to start that process - but, thanks to my mother's voice ringing in my head, I stopped right there.

Surfer held me and we prayed; and after releasing some tears (heart-wrenched tears don't even require a scrunched up face, they just stream out, I've learned) I felt a tad bit better. We decided that we do want to go forward with IVF, because if we don't, we'll always wonder if it could have worked. But after that who knows. I just know that I can't stay on this infertility roller coaster much longer or my heart will be crushed, perhaps beyond repair.

Just waiting around

We're just waiting around, now. No more tests left to do, nothing that we can do to speed up the process. Hoping and praying that the cysts are resolving themselves, and that by the time I go in to see Doc at the beginning of next month that he'll give us a big smile, and he'll give us the thumbs up to proceed!

One step at a time.

Still holding out some glimmer of hope for a miracle this month that we'll get pregnant on our own and take the IVF money and go to Hawaii! It could happen...

Answer to a prayer we didn't even pray

We had $36 for groceries this week. In order to pay for our out-of-pocket costs of all these medical appointments and the upcoming IVF cycle, we have really been trying to stick to our budget, live solely on Surfer's income and save everything we can. The past couple of weeks we spent more on food than we expected, so we were down to $36 for the whole week. We did our best to menu-plan and stretch the funds, and we figured that we'd just get a few chances to enjoy spaghetti and have leftover lunches.

But God had another idea, and through His provision in this He reminded me that if He cares about our food needs, He surely cares about our longing to become parents.

Surfer went to work today and found out that he has two free lunches and one free dinner coming his way at work this week. Tonight, our neighbor, Chef, told us he was going to throw away 5lbs. of gnocchi and we could have it to freeze, if we wanted it. He then brought us a beautiful plate filled with roast vegatables and beef. And then, his wife, Barista, brought us 4lbs. of Starbucks coffee because they didn't have any more room in their kitchen for coffee!

Forgive me, Lord, for making You too small in my eyes.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

I was having a great vacation. Really. For about a week, I was actually able to feel pretty normal about things; enjoying my time off from the infertility roller coaster and actually looking forward to gearing up for IVF. I didn't cry all week - which, as Surfer will tell you, is a very big deal.

But over the weekend, Problems invaded my vacation. It started off as a small slap, almost a taunt. We were with some friends who found out they got pregnant - not married, obviously not trying, and they were upset about it. These friends don't know about our struggle. I felt bad for their predicament, but I also felt insulted by their ease in getting... knocked up.

Church was wonderful yesterday, Pastor had a fantastic sermon and we are so thankful for him. It was when we were leaving that we realized Problems had followed us there, and was getting meaner. We turned around to see two couples with babies, about the same age, playing together. Cute, right? Darling. Oh look at the cute couples with their cute babies. But then, walking up behind them, I saw another couple - aquaintances, with whom we were chatting about the time we started trying for a baby. They were about 6 weeks pregnant at the time. They now have a beautiful baby girl, and I saw that the wife's belly is yet again swolen with pregnancy - I'd say she's about 5 months along.

Punch-pow - both of us, right in the jaw. We left church, drove home in silence.

The thing about infertility is that you're always on the edge of sanity - and little things will push you over the edge. Like that. We held each other, prayed, and wept (well, I did, Surfer just held me). We pulled it together to try and enjoy the rest of the day - which we did, finding solace in the fact that we're in this together. And then Problems came back with an evil vengance.

We have been very selective about who we've chosen to tell about this struggle; not only is it extremely painful and often difficult to talk about, but it is also intensely personal as well as being a struggle we're still fighting through. Unfortunately, what was told in strict confidence was shared in well-intentioned thoughtlessness. This got back to me through an email, yet another well-intentioned missive that hit us both so surprisingly hard.

It's easy to hit me hard. As Shakespeare said, "being that I flow in grief, the smallest twine may lead me". But it is a pretty big deal to have Surfer tell me that it feels like he's been kicked in the stomach. And that's how we ended the weekend, the wind knocked out of us. And honestly, that's how we woke up - still feeling the dull ache.

I wish I had a funny punchline, or a better way to end this blog entry. I believe that with God's grace and strength we will rally, but some days putting one foot in front of the other is an accomplishment.

Taking a vacation from my problems

I've decided that I'm going on vacation! Not a vacation from my job, not a vacation from my real life, but a vacation from my... problems! So, this is the last blog post for a few weeks. I have no other doctor's appointments until the beginning of April, and it will do Surfer and me some good to take a break from all this baby stuff.

No baby talk, no baby dreams, no baby gear (although if a new stroller comes out I may have to break vacation shortly), no IVF worries, no website studying. Ahhhh... just a rest - and a rest that will hopefully allow us to gear up for the intense IVF process.

I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful. I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderfu. I'm sailing!!!

Another step forward

We were blessed with more good news today! Thank you, Lord!

I went in for the final diagnostic test, the SHG. Things look great, according to Doc. The problem cysts were smaller than they were on Thursday and Doc thinks they'll resolve themselves. We get to take a break for now - no more appointments or tests until the my next cycle start. Our prayers now are for the resolution of the cysts and a good cycle start so that we can go forward wit IVF.

My boss, who is Jewish, told me today that it is the Jewish month of Adar. There is an extra month of Adar this year, due to the leap year, and the Talmudic phrase is:

MiShenichnas Adar Marbim BeSimcha!!
When Adar Comes, Joy Is Increased!!

Reading about the Jewish interpretation of the month of Adar (our joy comes) and the month of Nisan (the month of redemption) it gives me goosebumps to realize the symbolism of Christ's entrance on Palm Sunday, and His death and resurrection on Easter weekend.

Two months of Adar this year - a doubly blessed Easter season, and twice the joy! Today, we are so thankful. Praise the Lord!

A promise is a promise

Yesterday, we had great news! We know without a shadow of a doubt that it is a direct answer to prayer, so,

Praise God!!!

Surfer and I went in for his tests in the morning, and then went to my follow up ultrasound with Doc. Doc was amazed to see that the cysts were less than half the worrisome size that they were last week at that time. He has ruled out surgery (can I hear a big YEAH!!!) and said that there should be no problems at this point going forward with IVF at the start of my next cycle!

This great news buoyed our hearts and has allowed another glimpse at hope. It was wonderful leaving Doc's office with smiles on our faces, instead of streaming tears.

The next step is an SHG (wet ultrasound) on Tuesday to check the interior of the uterus and make sure all looks good in there. Then, if it's A-OK, we meet with Doc and the Embryologist to discuss the IVF process. Then, we begin!

We spent the day just enjoying the moment - relishing the day's good news, and thanking God for it. As we were taking out the trash last night, it began to rain and as I turned around, the most gorgeous, vibrant double rainbow appeared in the sky. Two complete arcs, that went from one side of our building to the other! Immediately, I knew that it was yet another sign to remind us that God has promised us to always be with us, to walk with us through pain and joy. We had never seen a rainbow so vibrant before. I found a picture that almost captures it. In this process, and I guess in life, each step is a milestone. We have made it to this milestone, and are thankful to celebrate God's goodness to us today.

Learing about a paradox

Surfer's mom and I have been discussing paradoxes lately. She gave me a wonderful devotional, and this morning's entry was highlighting one such paradox: becoming friends with your problems. Basically, the author highlighted that the Lord doesn't do anything in our lives frivolously or carelessly - everything is purposeful and aids in completing the masterpiece He is designing each of us to be.

I took some time to reflect on that this morning, and have decided to write down those things that God has already done through this struggle.
1. I am forced to my knees in need for Him on a daily basis
2. I have experienced true soul pain, and hopefully can understand others better
3. I have learned that with His help, I can press through day by day
4. I have seen God's hand of peace in my life when things aren't peaceful
5. I have had to become comfortable with being uncomfortable, in spirit and mind
6. Surfer and I have learned to lean on each other, support each other
7. I have seen more and more the wonderful man Surfer is
8. We've learned that we can't live other than this moment, that God gives us the grace we need for today, and that tomorrow He will give us grace for tomorrow. If we try to step over those bounds, the grace isn't there and we will take on worries and burdens that we aren't meant to bear today

Thank God that pain has a purpose. Only He can make something wretched into something beautiful.

Two verses for yesterday, and one for today

Yesterday started out well. We got up early and went to church, and were glad to see that Pastor was back from traveling. After service, we went up and asked him to pray for us, with special regard to this new information we have.

James 5:13-16 "Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiben. Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

Pastor brought over two of the church elders, and they did anoint me with oil and pray. I am so thankful for that, and I know that God can do miracles - I hope that our struggle and then, God willing, His answers to our prayers will strengthen the faith of all those who have been faithfully praying for us.

The second part of the day goes along with a different verse.

Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Dear ones brought news of a friend who recently became pregnant. The news stabbed my heart. How awful am I, that such a blessing to others brings me grief? And yet, it isn't that I begrudge them their blessing. Seeing others get pregnant so easily and without even trying reminds me of just how much anguish we've been through in these past long months, and are still going through, and have no idea when all this will come to an end - and don't even know what that end will be.

Last night ended in absolute sorrow; I don't think I've ever wept from my soul so. The pain was almost as if someone had died - that raw, naked, overwhelming ache. I wish I could end this entry today on a happy note, but I don't feel happy. All I can say is that we prayed from the depths of our souls last night, and I woke up and prayed today.

Sometimes, God allows peace beyond understanding immediately when we pray, and sometimes He doesn't. But I know that he hears our prayers, and he has collected gallons of our tears, and there is still a tiny part of me that hopes that those tears will water the "tree of life" that will be this heart-longing fulfilled.

Psalm 42:5 "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."