Yesterday was a tough day, today is better

One of the things I want to document is the crazy range of emotions and hopefullness (or lack thereof) that I have felt, and will, no doubt, continue to feel through this process. Perhaps it's God's way of preparing me for the emotions of motherhood - I think that once we're pregnant, then I won't have to worry. But wait - what about miscarriage? Healthy pregnancy, great - no need to worry. But wait - what about childhood illness, accidents, disaster, adolescence, college, adulthood.... there is truly no end to the potential worries and so learing to take each day as it comes will prove to be a valuable lesson.

Yesterday started out well, but as the day wore on, I felt my hopefullness and optimism wearing thin. It was easy to be thrilled in the morning - Surfer passed his CRPC designation test! I was so proud; he worked extremely dilligently to pass that exam. I enjoy my job, so the rest of the day was uneventful yet fine; until about 2:30pm when I came across a story of a "man" who is 5 months pregnant.

The truth is that the "man" is actually a woman who is legally transgender (whatever the heck that means) who had surgery to remove her breasts but kept her other "parts" to be able to reproduce someday. The pure outrage that this freak of mind and nature, who has trashed her body with hormone treatments, surgeries, and who knows what else, is 5 months pregnant with a healthy baby girl made me want to vomit. If there is one area that I consider most mysterious about God it is this: that those who eagerly desire to love and raise godly children in a wonderful home and family are kept, for whatever reason, from conceiveing and yet druggies, teenagers, "men", etc. can conceive without even thinking about it. I know I will never know the reason for that.

After work, I felt so overwhelmed with the fact that we're not pregnant yet, we haven't even started the IVF process and we don't even know if that will work. I started to think about how long it would take to adopt if we had to start that process - but, thanks to my mother's voice ringing in my head, I stopped right there.

Surfer held me and we prayed; and after releasing some tears (heart-wrenched tears don't even require a scrunched up face, they just stream out, I've learned) I felt a tad bit better. We decided that we do want to go forward with IVF, because if we don't, we'll always wonder if it could have worked. But after that who knows. I just know that I can't stay on this infertility roller coaster much longer or my heart will be crushed, perhaps beyond repair.