Just very tired

This blog entry is neither funny nor optimistic, and it is not meant to sting anyone - this is my blog, and this is how I feel, and I still appreciate the love and support of all reading this. So there, that's my disclaimer.

I am just so tired of all of this. First, I am physically tired - for some reason, the main medication side effect so far is that I can't sleep from about 1AM - 5AM unless I completely wear myself out during the day and (like yesterday) that doesn't always work. I'm tired of the medications (and the fun shots haven't even started yet) and the toll that all of this has and will take on my body. If it works, it's completely worth it, but if it doesn't?

I am financially tired, tired of scraping away every extra penny to pay for medical bills - from doctor visits, to blood tests, to medications. We are so thankful for insurance that covers the bulk of costs, but we are still paying out of pocket thousands of dollars for this cycle, when all is said and done. I am so frustrated that we have to pay to get our kids, that most people only begin to feel the financial strain when they're born.

I am emotionally tired; I am SO tired of crying. Of weeping, of longing, of hoping and worst of all, of not even hoping. I am tired of fighting jealousy when literally every woman I know who has wanted to get pregnant HAS gotten pregnant (I think I can count 6 right now in my small circle) during the time we've been trying for one, and most of them with only a month or two of trying. I am tired of feeling left out, of feeling angry that none of them have had to have any of the struggles I have had and they - Poof! - are pregnant and I don't know if I will ever be.

I am spiritually tired; tired of pouring my heart out to God day after day after day, and night after night, and still we wait. At this point, I believe God can answer prayers, but I have a hard time hoping that he will. I trust that He knows I just don't have the capacity to be excited or hopeful at this point, that I only have the strength to lay in a puddle at His feet.

And, I am relationally tired. I am tired of crying on Surfer's shoulder, even though he's been so strong and wonderful. Why do we have to go through this? Isn't it usually a joyful thing when a couple decides that they want children? Instead, for us, it's been nearly two years of "trying" and at least a year of downright heartache and frustration. I am tired of venting to my poor mom, who is such a dear in letting me lean on her but I know she has challenges of her own in life and my problems can't be center stage - especially when I know full well she can't do anything about them. While we all grow up, I think there's still a part of us all that thinks that Mom has the power to make everything better.

I'm tired - just very tired.