5 Weeks

Today, we're officially 5 weeks pregnant! The picture is of an embryo at 5-6 weeks of development, so this may be what the baby looks like in the next few days. Isn't it cute? It's phenomenally amazing how fast the baby develops at this stage. I mean, mind-bogglingly miraculous.

Still many milestones yet to get to, but this is a great one to celebrate!

I feel great, except for a few tugs, cramps, pulls, and aches of a growing uterus (and, God-willing, growing babies). Slight fatigue has hit - I always feel like I could take a nap. Hopefully, morning sickness will decide not to come visit me at all. For today, this pregnancy couldn't be going better, and we thank the Lord for that!

Surfer and I have decided that if this pregnancy is still going strong and in great shape by August 1, we will take our "Economic Stimulus Check" and go to California for a short vacation at the end of summer! (I hope, I hope!!!)

Finally, I have had the strangest appetite - really wanting only flavorful, spicy foods (thai, indian, chinese, pizza, etc). Then today it hit me - of COURSE I do, this is, after all, Surfer's child! It's ordering 3-stars from the womb!

Second beta

Just got the call; our second beta is...

1,034!!!

We're so thankful for those results. At a minimum, they were looking for 550 - a doubling time of 72 hours. Our doubling time is about a day and a half, which shows wonderful growth so far.

Thank you, Lord!!!

The next step is our first ultrasound on June 5 - praying we'll see a healthy little one (or ones!) on that day. For today, we're still pregnant and couldn't be in a better place, thanks be to God!

The Stork has been spotted!

Praise God, from whom all blessings flow...

I'm SO happy to announce that our beta number from today was great: 247! We are pregnant! I still can't believe it; trying to take it all in. The number is very high, and the nurses suspect that there may be more than one little one in there - we'll find out at our 6-week ultrasound in two weeks.

Surfer and I are thrilled, cautiously thrilled, as there are many hurdles yet to get over until we can relax a bit and enjoy the pregnancy. The next step is another beta test on Sunday to make sure the number doubles, then the ultrasounds to check on the development and look for the heartbeat(s?).

I am going to assume that everything is going well unless told otherwise. For today,

We're Pregnant!!! Thank you, Lord!

ps: if you're reading this blog, you're one of the privileged few who know our good news; but please keep it a secret until we let you know otherwise... :)

You may be pregnant if...

...your eating habits completely change!

There is often food brought into the newsroom; leftovers from a catered lunch appeared at about 2PM today. Tins and pans of all sorts of things - and then I saw it: the mother lode: a 5-layer chocolate cake with chocolate fudge frosting!

While I haven't been eating wheat, I couldn't resist. I decided, I'll have half of a small piece - the frosting looked so rich I was sure that would be enough.

I can't eat it. I have no taste for it - no sweet tooth! Now, for you to get the full impact of this revelation let me remind you of a few things: one, I am a S******* (maiden name). We S*******s have never met a dessert we didn't like. Two, I have never in my life (that I can remember) turned down chocolate. Three, I have never turned down fudge. Four, I have never met a dessert that is too rich for me.

On the flip side do you know what I have been craving for about a week? A juicy bacon cheesburger. My mouth waters just typing it. What sounds good for breakfast? Bacon cheesburger. Lunch? Bacon cheesburger. Dinner? Yep - you got it. Dessert? No, thanks. I'll have another bacon cheeseburger instead.

That could be an early pregnancy symptom. If so, I'd venture to guess I'm having a boy (the meat cravings) and the he takes after Ryan (the ability to turn down dessert). Tomorrow's beta number will tell...

For today

"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8

How quickly we forget

I was reminded by a very encouraging family member that not only is this process an excercise in (hopefully) getting pregnant - but even more so, it is a process that God has brought into our lives to teach us many things; not the least of which is to trust Him and walk with Him.

Lord, I'm sorry that I forgot that; that I so easily shifted my views to me - my thoughts, my feelings, my outlook - and took my eyes off of you. No wonder the waves look big and I feel like I'm sinking. Like Peter, I'm not focusing on You. Please forgive me, and please help me - and thank you for leading us each step along the way: I truly believe you haven't left us in the middle.

"He will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee; because he trusts in Thee." Isaiah 26:3

Seven more days

This wait is killing me. I SO hope and pray that this worked, but I am having such a hard time believeing that it did. I don't feel pregnant; I don't feel like there's anything different going on with me. In fact, since the other medications have pretty much left my system I feel - normal, almost. So, dear blog readers, if you're reading this - will you please say a prayer for me, and hope for me, since I am having a really hard time hoping right now?

At least this wait will come to an end - either way, we'll know in 7 days.

None left to freeze

We just got a call from our clinic that neither of the other two little guys made it to freeze. They weren't as healthy as the three we transferred, and they just stopped growing. We're glad we were open to freezing, as we felt that we would go back and transfer later on if we did have a few embies on ice, but we're honestly relieved that we don't have that burden either. Poor little guys; they did their very best! For five short days, they were loved.

The two week wait

I'm now in what's called "the two week wait". Typically, this is actually two weeks, but thankfully for me, it's more like 11 days. Anyway, this is the phase where I can't do anything but take my vitamins, rest, and hope and pray that this whole thing worked! It is especially hard today, when I'm working from home and really don't have much to do but think and wonder - are the tiny babies still alive in there? Are they growing, or are they... not? After all of this, will it work? It seems like there's still SO far to go! (And, there is).

So for now, I'm going to try to keep myself and my brain occupied elsewhere - the days will tick by; they have to. I have forbidden myself to take a pregnancy test before May 18 - people rarely get positives before then. But people rarely get positives 10 days past ER (10dper) either. At least it will give me plenty of foreknowledge for The Beta Call - I'd rather be prepared for the news than wait on pins and needles all day on the 22nd. I'd give myself an ulcer for sure.

I've been talking to the babies, willing them to grow strong and healthy and snuggle in tight - promising ice cream and toys and puppies and everything else I can think of that may sway them to my side.

Ugh - sometimes I think this whole thing is SO STUPID - why does it matter SO MUCH? Well, at least I feel good about myself that I waited a whole two days to freak out. Yay, Stacy! You held on! Seriously, it is utterly and completely in the Lord's hands, now, and this is where I MUST trust that He knows what He is doing - and that He simply wants me to wait for now.

(Very Early) Baby Pictures!

The one on the top is our 8-celled Embie with 15% fragmentation, the next is our 9-celled Embie with 15% fragmentation, and the bottom one is our 9-celled Embie with 5% fragmentation. They are considered very good quality, due to their number of cells and fragmentation level. Fragmentation is the bubbly areas on or around them which is slight degeneration of cell material; anything less than 10% fragmentation is considered excellent, less than 20% is very good. Because we already had three lead embies and they were beginning to fragment a bit, Embro believee the embies would do better in their natural environment for growth - they just wanted to go home! Aren't they so cute???

Our Clinic's Stats

For those of you who are interested, these are the stats from our clinic, as of 2006 (the last official year published, based on live birth rates, not just pregnancies) for women under 35:

Number of Cycles Started: 83
% of transfers resulting in live births: 72.9
Average number of embryos transferred: 2.7
% of live births with twins: 54.9
% of live births with triplets or more: 5.9

Making it to transfer vastly increases live birth rates, because there are so many women who get cancelled along the way. Based on number of cycles started, including those that are cancelled for one reason or another, our clinic's live birth rate for that age group is 61.4%. So, we're so thankful we made it to transfer!

Transfer completed

Although we were really hoping for a 5 day transfer, Embro and the other docs thought it would be better to do the transfer today - Mother's Day (and one doc said that HAD to be significant for us) :)

Our toughest challenge was deciding how many of our five viable embryos to transfer. All of them were average, with some being on the better side of average than the other. Embro had advised us that if we do a 3-day transfer, transferring 3 would give us better chances of success because there is a good chance that one of the little guys won't make it due to their stage of development. However, transferring 3 does give us a small chance of having triplets.

On the other side, transferring two would give us pretty good chances of becoming pregnant, but not as good as transferring 3 - although our chances of multiples would go down, our chances of the cycle not working would go up.

I had thought, until we were at the office, that 3 was definitely the way to go. But then, when you're actually faced with the decision you wonder, what if, what if? When it came down to it, we decided that we both felt the most comfortable transferring 3.

So.... Surfer suited up in some snazzy scrubs, he took my hand and we went in the same OR as a few days ago. We were introduced to three of the most gorgeous little embroys you've ever seen and in about 10 minutes total, they were nestled into their new home.

Now, time will tell - and we know that whatever the Lord chooses to do with this cycle He will provide for. I can't believe we've come this far; it seems like a strange dream. I hope and pray that the dream will continue into my dream come true of motherhood.

I will post the pictures of our embies tomorrow when I figure out how to use my scanner and when I'm not so sore from those darn hip shots!

Lord, thank you - and may your perfect will be done.

Sore!

Today is the first day of the IVF cycle where I'm actually feeling the pain. I feel like a little old woman hobbling around my house. Thank the Lord that all this took place over a weekend - I don't know what I'd do if I had to be at work!

Surfer is still a pro at the shots, but I think the cumulative effect of two big ones per day is hitting me, and my poor little ovaries are trying hard to recover from their needle fight but are complaining rather loudly.

But then, I think of those eight little miracles that are (hopefully) growing and thriving down in Kirkland, and it makes all of this worth it. Technically, I'm two days "with child", except that my children are not as close with me as most moms of my stage! I keep hoping and praying that we will get to transfer, and that they will snuggle in tight for, oh, 9 months or so.

How many fertilized?

Eight!!! I can hardly believe it. Praise the Lord in Heaven - we have eight embies! Coordinator called about a half hour ago, and told me the good news; she said that the reason the 9th one didn't fertilize is because the egg wasn't mature.

We are THRILLED to say the least; this was a monumental hurdle and we're over it now!

We have a tentative transfer set for Sunday (Mother's Day) at 1PM; but if the embies are all growing well we may push it back to Tuesday to transfer blastocysts.

Praise God! We are so thankful!

Waiting for the call

I think I woke up about 5 times last night, each time remembering that we were done with the ER (yay!) and today is The Call.

There are so many things you wait for when going through an IVF cycle, but there are three major hurdles: 1) egg retrieval. Many women have their cycles cancelled before ER for one reason or another, and many women have an ER but don't get mature eggs. The fact that we got 9 mature eggs is huge. Additionally, that may shine a light on one of the possible reasons we haven't been able to get pregnant - I had about 15-18 follicles, but only 9 eggs.

2) The First Call: which for us is today. The embryology lab will check the eggs today and will be able to find out how many fertilized. Doc recommended not doing ISCI at all, even if we only had 8 or 9 eggs. Initially, Embro recommended ICSI unless we had 15 or more eggs. But he changed his mind when he saw the eggs - and we are hoping and praying that all nine of those beauties fertilized last night. Generally, 75% of all eggs that you attempt to fertilize do, and the survival rate of the embies goes down daily so you want a larger number to fertilize than you actually hope to transfer.

3) Getting to Transfer: if we do have embies today, we may transfer on Sunday, and if the embies look great, we may push that to Tuesday so we do a blastocyst transfer. Generally 20% of the eggs you attempt to fertilize make it to blast transfer - and we're hoping that we make it with two blasts. If we only have a few embies, though, they will probably want to do a day 3 transfer, and if so we'd transfer all the embies we have - realizing that most likely not all of them will survive.

Once you get to transfer, the two week wait begins - but at least with that you can take a home pregnancy test after about 10 days to see if it worked, or to prepare yourself for the bad call from the clinic. But we're thinking hopefully here! I'd much rather take a test at home and know right away that I'm pregnant and then have the clinic confirm that by a blood test.

So for now, we wait for The Call...

Balk-balk-balk---b-GOK!

I'm happy to announce that I was a good little chicken today, and was able to lay 9 eggs!!! Seriously, the appointment today couldn't have gone better.

Thank you, Lord!

We arrived at 8:30, and were taken back to the hospital-like section of our clinic. Our wonderful cycle coordinator walked us through the process, laughed, joked, and generally made us feel comfortable. The anesthesiologyst from the hospital came over and got me set up with an IV, and then we were off to the OR. They got me up on the table, spread-eagled me out, and gave me the happy juice. The next thing I knew was Surfer holding my hand in recovery.

As I recovered, the lab checked the fluid for eggs, and happily reported that there were nine beatiful eggs - and that, thankfully, Embro recommended attempting to fertilze all conventionally. He didn't think we needed ICSI, even though at that point it was his call as we were deferring to his expertise.

Surfer gave me my first progesterone-in-oil injection with our Coordinator standing by, and he did a fantastic job!

We were comforted and blessed by Surfer's mom bringing us a wonderful basket of treats and some dinner! She is such a gem; super busy this week and yet taking time to care for us. As soon as she left, another knock on the door and it was my folks, with another dinner! They stayed and chatted for about a half hour - what a wonderful surprise! Wow - we are SO loved and blessed, and we love our parents so much. I felt cozy at heart today.

Embro will prep the eggs and introduce them to the spermies today; hopefully they'll all "do their thing" and fertilize normally. They will call us tomorrow with a fertilization update.

We are thankful to know that truly, at this point going forward, things our out of our hands and completely in the Lord's. Thank you, all, for your continued prayers - they matter more than you know.

Time to pull the trigger

OK, well, time to administer the trigger... shot.

Another great appointment today.

My e2 was perfect at 3,331
Tuesday night: HCG Trigger Shot, 9:30PM

Wednesday morning: no medication
9:00 Blood Draw - Kirkland

We're finally at the point that we give a trigger shot to ripen the eggs before retrieval on Thursday! This is administered exactly 36 hours before retrieval, so our retrieval is scheduled for Thursday morning at 9:30AM.

Lord, thank you for guiding us yet another step along the way!

One step closer

Another good step forward today, thanks be to God!

My e2 level on track at 2,376
Monday night: Gonal-f 75

Tuesday morning: Lupron 5, Gonal-f 75
8:45 Bloodwork/Ultrasound - Seattle

It looks like things are on track for trigger tomorrow, and we'll hope to do an ER on Thursday. Doc was very reassuring when I told him of my increased nerves- he said that's completely normal for where I am in cycle. He also said that it's no problem to wait until ER day to decide upon the number of eggs to attempt to fertilize.

More to come tomorrow!

Starting to feel it now

OK - the stress has hit me. I woke up this morning with a pounding heart and a nervous stomach; thankfully I have an appointment this morning and I can be reassured by Doc that things are going well (hopefully).

I think the combined stress of realizing that by the end of the week, God willing, we will be done with a major part of the IVF cycle. But will we have embies? Will we have nothing? As much as I long for this cycle to be over, I can't help but have that nagging feeling, what if? what if? Stop it!

We're also a bit overwhelmed trying to decide what to do with the eggs after retrieval. How many do we attempt to fertilize? Too many, and we end up with more embies than we can attempt to transfer. Too few, and we end up with nothing to transfer. If we do ICSI, we have an increased chance for identical twins and the risks involved. If we do natural, maybe none will fertilize? And that brings us back to how may to attempt to fertilize? One thing is certain - we will HAVE to answer this question by the end of the week.

I am SO thankful that I am only working downtown two days this week. I can handle it. I can handle it! Boy, do I need to go walk on the treadmill and work up a good sweat!

Incredibly thankful

We are so very thankful to the Lord, first of all, for continuing to walk through this process with us. He has blessed us with another good appointment and continued good health for both of us, everything we need to get through this. And we're so thankful for the invaluable support of our family and friends. Where would we be without you? To those of you who are praying for us, comforting us, encouraging us - God is using you; thank you for being willing. We are blessed because of you.

Yesterday's appointment went very well, thank you, Lord!

My e2 level is on track: 1179
Saturday night: Gonal-f 75

Sunday morning: Lupron 5, Gonal-f 75
Sunday night: Gonal-f 75

Monday morning: Lupron 5, Gonal-f 75
Bloodwork/Ultrasound 8:30AM Kirkland
Chiropractor 9:15AM Kirkland

This is the big week! Here we go!

Time is relative, thoughts are rambling

My shots are definitely affecting me. Yesterday, I was listening to KCIS "prayer circle" on the radio while taking a shower. They were playing some music in the background, and suddenly it switched to the music that my parents played at my sister's funeral - and instantly I was bawling. It was such a strage thoughtless reaction - an instinct of deep feeling and reminiscence.

It got me thinking about the passage of time, and how most of our lives fly by without ever being thought of again. And yet, certain moments are etched in stone. My sister's entire life was only 30 days. One month. How many months have passed that I remember absolutely nothing from? I can remember almost every day of her life, though - thoughts, feelings, trips to the hospital, visitors, emotions, her death and funeral. It's like it happened yesterday, and this summer it will have been almost 20 years.

I feel similarly about this IVF cycle - about this process. There are so many hurdles yet to get over until our egg retrieval which is (hopefully) less than a week away! It seems like a lifetime needs to be lived before then.

But these times are etched in our memories, in our very personalities, for a reason. They change us, they stretch us, they form us into who we will become.

Can I tell you, lovely blog readers, what I hope for in this cycle? In my dreams, we transfer three beautiful embies, and I get pregnant with twins - healthy twins, a girl and a boy. I have a regular, uneventful pregnancy, and cry with joy when I hear their first cries. They're so precious - the girl has Ryan's eyes and the boy has my hands and feet. We think their names would be Grace and Reid, but we'd have to see them first to make sure. These are lovely dreams, each time. Sometimes dreams come true - and maybe this one will. I can't pretend that I think it will, as this journey has been dissapointment after dissapointment. But at some point, that has to end, right?

Speaking of three embies, there are three pigeons right outside my window right now. I NEVER see pigeons here. Hmmm.

Anyway, if this cycle doesn't work, I will be heartbroken for a little while. So, I figured that it is better to think good, hopeful, dreamy thoughts throughout the cycle than to dread, worry, and fear the worst. Who knows? God knows. And he's given me joy for the journey today.

Today's Instructions

A good appointment - praise the Lord! Today was my second blood draw and first ultrasound to check the growth/number of follicles.

My e2 was 416 - right on track.
There were about 15 follicles, 10mm each - also on track.
Thursday night: Menopur 75

Friday morning: Lupron 5, Gonal-f 75
Friday night: Gonal-f 75

Saturday morning: Lupron 5, Gonal-f 75
9:00 AM Blood Draw/Ultrasound - Kirkland

I also spoke with Doc about ICSI - specifically in regards to finding out if he had any hesitations with going forward with the process. He was wholeheartedly in agreement with Embro on this, and doesn't see any reason why we should hesitate to do ICSI. I feel very good about this! ICSI egg fertilization rates are about 80%, I have been reading, and so now I am wondering if we should fertilize 4 eggs? I'll have to discuss that with Surfer tonight.

Thank you, Lord, for wonderful progress and another milestone reached!